Its been six days since I last sat down and wrote. Partly because of our thirty hour road trip to my youngest brothers engagement party and partly because too much has been running through my head to write. I have been in one of those places where I start a million things and only finish about one. I run around the house like I am in a huge hurry only to forget what I was doing. I blame it on ADHD although on my better days I claim to have outgrown that.
Whenever life gets crazy I have a tendency to want to micro manage it. I desperately want to grasp control of it and point it in the direction I know is best. I tell God to let go, I have this one and sometimes he does and life comes crashing down but most of the time he finds a way to make me let go. He makes me let go of all the things I think I needed and wanted and shows me my true desires. Its a painful process though, always worried that tomorrow won’t be what you hope. I always feel that God needs an extra set of hands, like he won’t survive without me. IF only, he sometimes chooses to use me to further his plan but most of the time its just taking one step after another. I have all these questions I want answered right now but God has eternity so pushes me to be patient and to trust him. I suck at that. I am horrible with patience and for some reason life has told me that if I don’t take matters into my own hands they wont be done properly.
Today he has asked me to trust him once again and be patient. I sulk…. how dare God ask so much of me? While this all says a lot about my own problems what it really tells me and God is that I don’t believe in him. Even though my story is pages and pages of God coming through I still ask him, are you sure you can handle this?
I hate it when people make me feel dumb, it happens a lot since I look like i’m eighteen and spend my days in high schools. I am always being asked whether I am late to class or if I am lost. I smile and tell them no i’m not lost I am teaching today. When I have a class with a co teacher they look at me like, how are you going to handle this? I am constantly having to prove that I belong. I don’t mind though, because I love what I do. I love helping kids, I love talking to them, and I love hearing their stories. I think God feels the same way when I doubt his judgement, plan, and ability to handle my huge issues. He shows up at my heart and I look at him like, what are you going to do for me. I mean youre just the God of the universe, you have only proven yourself through hundreds of years, are you sure you can handle my petty problems?
I have every reason to trust him and when he asks me to be patient I should know whatever he has for my future is far better than what I would have done. I guess I should stop asking God if he is lost in my life, he doesn’t need a map he needs me to follow.