I want to be ten again and not have a care in the world. I want to go camping with my little brother, stay up late to see if we can hear Santa Claus, and jump in leave piles. I want to go back to nap time, snack time, and the comfort of my mothers hug. I want to return to a time before politics worried me and I knew the true meaning of poverty. I want to live in one house with all of my family and not need a planner to see friends. I want to go back to game nights, black jack with my dad, and long family vacations. I want to return to the baseball parks and watch my brothers proudly as I eat laffy taffy. I want to remember what it was like not to feel stress or anxiety. I ache to be back in a time when life seemed easy, I didn’t need to know the answers just how I was going to do my homework. A time when friendships seemed everlasting and I never considered growing up. Days before addiction and failure taught me who I really was. I never knew how good I had it at 3616 Robinson walk drive, I haven’t lived there in almost six years but the address is still imprinted in my brain. You remember a place that great, like the first time you go to Disney world or the beach. I think it still holds a tiny piece of me, the part I desperately want back, childhood joy.
My oldest brother always had a way of making me believe that God had great plans for me. Even when I was in the midst of trouble or knee deep in sin he would look me in the eye and tell me, ”Tindell God is going to do great things in your life”. I tried to brush it off like I did everything else but for some reason his words always stuck with me. He believed in me when he shouldn’t have and he didn’t give up on me even though all the odds seemed stacked against him. He knew that this was just a phase of my life and it wasn’t the end. He knew that one day God would turn my trials into glory for his name. There is no mistaking Gods work, he takes pain, heartache, and rejection and turns them into great things for his kingdom. Loneliness will turn into longing for him which will turn into fulfillment and might even turn into meeting someone which might turn into a family. Alcohol abuse and addiction turns into redemption that turns into compassion for others which turns into the spreading of hope. Ugly circumstances turn into great testimony. There doesn’t seem to be anything greater than a testimony of hope, a life transformed by a great God.
We are coming up on Easter as I write this and at church on Sunday they had people come out with big poster boards that had “I remember” with a portion of their life and when they flipped it over it had what God had done for them. One said I remember being homeless, addicted to drugs and on the back it said found God, now I work for a homeless shelter and am no longer homeless. One said I remember being in prison feeling hopeless and alone and the other side it said, found God and a wife and now I work for a prison ministry. Each cardboard had the same scenario, pain and heartache redeemed to fulness and joy. All the while amazing grace played in the background, “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free, My God my savior has ransomed me.”
See God would just be another god if it weren’t for stories like these, redemption that could only come from a powerful savior. It can only happen because he traded everything for a chance to win your heart. There could be no backside to the cardboard cut out but we each have an “I remember” time, pain that was so deep it is worth writing down but if you’ve found God then there is always a back side. He is always whispering in your ear, I made you to do great things for my kingdom.
My card would read like this, I remember addictions, heartache, and loneliness but the back would say, redeemed in 2005 married, fulfilled, and happily serving high school kids just like me. Nothing says how great is our God than scenarios such as these. We were all made for greater things, a chance to show the world the glory God deserves. Stories like these are the greatest testimony, it tells the world you have been through the dark but made it to the light. It tells the world that there is hope and most of all it tells them that they are not alone.
“I saw the way you were exposing your body and I covered your nakedness with my cloak. I took your shame and cleaned your broken heart, I cleaned your cuts and dressed your wounds. I put you in a beautiful dress and adorned you with beautiful jewels. I placed a crown on your head and lifted you up to your rightful place as my queen. Your beauty caused the earth to talk of my splendor and I made you perfect. Your beauty became an outward adornment in a world full of gloom. All who looked at you could see the deep love of a father.”
Ezekiel 16:8-14 (paraphrased)
What if we really believed this, that God had taken our shame onto him and made us clean and righteous? For me that word seems far too dignified, I know what I’ve done and the people i’ve hurt, righteous is much too big for me. I did nothing to deserve my righteousness but God did everything so that I could have it.
My parents wanted to make my eighteenth birthday really special, I didn’t deserve it but they went out to Tiffany’s and picked out this beautiful ring, it had a heart made of peals and tiny diamonds on either side. They planned a big family dinner for me and fixed my favorite meal, I felt so special. I was truly loved, I knew because I had done nothing to deserve this kind of favor but they lavished it on me anyway. When everyone had left my parents called me into their room and handed me a tiny box, robins egg blue with a white ribbon tied perfectly on top. I opened it and there was the ring, a symbol of my parents undying affection for their only daughter. I put it on and smiled with joy. Tears welled up into my eyes and I attempted to thank them for this precious gift. I slipped it on my finger as I walked up the stairs to my room. I couldn’t stop looking at it. The next day as I left the house I took my ring off dug a hole in the front yard and buried it. I figured I would save my beautiful gift for when I deserved it. Do I sound crazy yet?
I wanted to create a word picture for what it would be like to hand God’s gift back to him. To actually reject it. I have noticed that every time he offers us the crown that we don’t deserve, we take it from him smile with joy then want to bury it in the dirt until we are deserving. The point is if we are waiting to deserve the gift God has given us we will never deserve it. If we are waiting until the gift is rightfully ours we will end up burying it in the dirt and never recovering it. God has given you a beautiful gift, not because you deserve it but because he loves you and he loves to lavish you with presents. That story is not real but it might as well be, my parents are amazing loving parents who give me far more than I deserve. I am far unworthy of their love but isn’t it so much better that way? Isn’t it better when you can look someone in the eye and truly say I don’t deserve it, that makes the gift all the more special. God is holding out a precious gift to you and if you are waiting to take it until you clean up your life or get all the rules right I promise the crown will grow dusty and his hands will grown tired. He never asks us to clean up our life to find him he just says we need to call out to him and he will be there.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 timothy 1:7
Thats the only thing I can tell myself today when I keep thinking about the dollar signs looming over this trip to Uganda. I wonder if you can have buyers remorse about going on a mission trip, probably not, at least its frowned upon. The more I worry about the details of this trip the more I know I am supposed to go. The trip is in September and the lease on Ben and I’s house ends on September 1st so there is a chance I will be moving into the orphanage. Also I have decided to get my teaching certificate which means I will need to find a school that is ok with me taking two weeks off to go overseas. The details seem to much to take in so I remember where I have been, what I have come through, and what a miracle it is that I am even going somewhere to serve someone besides me. Andy Stanley once said, to remember how faithful God is look back on his past faithfulness. I will be going on this trip with the same organization that brought me to Christ four years ago.
The passion conference was in Atlanta and I only went to hear my brother sing, he always believed in me so in return I was abundantly proud of what he did even if I didn’t have the same faith. While I was there I saw Beth Moore speak about the pain of a sinful life and getting out of the “pit”. I was in a pit, in and out of drugs and alcohol, relationship after broken relationship, I needed my feet to be placed on solid ground. I was searching, but I didn’t know what I was looking for. I wanted a new life but with all of my old habits, I didn’t want to let go of the parties or my deep desire to be loved. Somehow in a way that only God can he showed up and I found myself face to the ground praying he would release me from my old life, and he did. I left the conference full of a joy that I can’t even explain but dreading making changes in my life. I broke off the relationship I was in and prayed God would bring me Christian friends, and he did. I spent a few tearful nights apologizing to my family and found repairing the relationships were easier than I expected, they had the ability to love me unconditionally. He also placed me in a bible study and introduced me to my husband. Every step of my life since then has been me learning to be obedient and him greatly rewarding me. I don’t deserve anything I have in my life. I don’t deserve a loving husband or a family that never fails me. I don’t deserve to be free of my addictions or healthy but Gods faithfulness has never failed me. Even through the trials he has never left my side. I can always find him when I return to the place where he found me, face down on the ground needing a savior. Redeemer is my favorite term for God because I know what that looks like, I can look at the life I lived before Christ and see that he has redeemed me.
So no matter how worried I am about the details of this trip I know God will make a way because he always has before. I know he will open doors like only God can and reassure me once again that no matter what I go through God is always looking ahead and making a way.
Sometimes you feel God calling you so loud it feels like a megaphone in your ear, you try to ignore it but somehow your thoughts go back to where you are supposed to go, who you are supposed to talk to, or something you are supposed to do. These times are few and far in between and a lot of times God takes you far away from your familiar surroundings so that you can hear him. I had many expectations for this part of my life, newly wed in a new city.I figured I’d find a job I loved, new friendships, and plenty of activities to fill my time. Three months into my life in Texas and I found I was more alone than ever, Ben worked all day and everything I had heard about the economy turned out to be true, finding a job was hard. I found a few good friends but I realized friendships after college were different, who knew that midnight doughnut runs would end after graduation. I found myself returning to the basics, talking to God instead of my constant companions and when the house was quiet I almost felt that I could hear him, I quickly looked up symptoms of paranoia and breathed a sign of relief when hearing God wasn’t one of them.
For a while I felt very purposeless here, alone all day, cleaning dog hair, and cooking meals. I keep begging God for answers, I wanted some great plan, I wanted to make a change but the tiny voice in my head said, “be faithful in the little”. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t be used for the big things until God could trust that I would be faithful in the things that seemed insignificant but meant the most. So I tried to , I served Ben when all else failed and found that he needed me and the greatest change I could make was in my own home. I started attending Beth Moore’s bible study at my church and actually learning what the bible had to say instead of what I hoped it said. I sat down in the morning and prayed that I would be obedient in whatever God wanted of me. I had only gotten to the point of surrender when I had left all of my distractions behind, I found God when put away all the things I hoped to define me, a job, friends, my family. Let’s be honest there isn’t a whole lot of respect for a twenty three year old housewife who substitute teaches but I found I didn’t really need it. I found the cliché to be true, I am most satisfied when I am most filled with God. It took moving 700 miles away from everything I knew and everyone I loved for me to learn that, but God knew it was worth the pain of loneliness. I am not down playing loneliness by any means I am just up-playing Gods amazing ability to fill your life. Beth Moore said in one of her studies “God alone is a hard place to get to but a great place to rest”. I can promise you there will come a time when God will ask you to give things up that you believe you have to have and I promise you whatever it is its worth it. My life was built around the community I had formed in Atlanta but when I found myself alone I realized I already had what I most desired, something to fill me.
Since being here I have heard God clearer than any crisp day in Atlanta, I decided this week to go to Africa with a group from Passion City church, I started a blog, and a found a job I unexpedidly loved. Each time was one of those moments you hear God so clear that you can’t ignore it. He told me to go, to write, to teach and because he had already stripped away everything I thought I needed in this life I had not problem being obedient.
We can only live differently when we realize that nothing in this world will fill us, not even the things that are good for us like family, friends, or a spouse. These things will greatly add to your life but they were never meant to fill it just add on to the joy God has already given you. I can promise you that the life I would have built for myself would have been good but it would have made God very small and that isn’t who he is. God wants to be the center of your world because he knows that is when we will be most satisfied. He doesn’t mind taking you through the woods to get you there and I promise that when you are crying out for companionship God is standing right beside you, stop looking down and focus you eyes on the one who gave his life. God alone, a hard place to get to but a great place to rest in. God alone is a destination, not a mind set that we attain, but rather a surrender that comes from discipline. I pray that your aren’t like me, I pray that you don’t have to run into the wall to find the door but if you are take hope, the destination far exceeds the pain of the journey.
1. I hate blogs. I always thought they were impersonal but one night God woke me up at 3am and told me to start a blog so I did.
2. I live in Texas but I am in no way a Texan. I do not have one of those huge metal stars in my house, own cowboy boots, or say the texas pledge at school (yes there is a Texas pledge). I have foun d God to be bigger in Texas, once I was removed from all my distractions and completely alone I found I listened much better.
3. I became a Christian four years ago after a lot searching and experimenting. My freshman year of college I found myself at a passion conference and God was what I was looking for all along. After that I promised God to help high schoolers With my testimony.
4. I substitute teach and I love it!
5. I want to write books for teenage girls.
6. I watch the show friends religiously and refuse to watch the last disc of the season because I like to pretend it never ends.
7. I have a honesty problem and tend to stick my foot in my mouth.
8. I am married to the most amazing man in the world because he puts up with me.
9. I am the only girl with three brothers which is why I don’t handle estrogen well.
10. I am addicted to sugar. I hide candy from Ben but Normally forget where I put it. Desert is never an option and when I make coffee I put enough flavored coffee to make it white.
Last night I babysat my precious niece and nephew, I only get to see them every couple of months so I was really excited. Sadly Norah had a stomach ache and was in a lot of pain. She is normally a very happy baby but tonight she was in clear pain. She would stick her precious little lips out and in between quivers exhale in a clear da da da. She has just learned how to say dada and in between her sobs I could hear the clear cry for her dad. She knew he would know what to do. I would rock her for a second she would quite but quickly her tears would come back and in between sobs a clear call for her father, da da da. My heart was breaking, I was so clearly not what she wanted. I thought how great it must feel to be a parent and to be needed so deeply by a child. To hear the sobs of your child calling you, da da da. Tiny whimpers that let you know you are needed. I have always been a little bit of a daddys girl so I could relate to Norahs cry. When I was little I often got very bad stomach aches and I would lay in bed calling out for my dad. When I was scared as a child my dad was there to comfort me, the big strong man who provided a refuge from a dark night. When Jesus was refereed to as a father I had no problem getting a clear picture of my heavenly father, my earthly father was already close enough for me. Father has never been a scared word for me, I associate it with fun trips, long talks, and wisdom. There are many times that I find myself like norah in deep pain calling out in between sobs, da da da. I need my father. I heard someone say once that growing up is realizing there isnt a bigger bed to crawl into when you get scared. That has been my life, married young I have had to embrace that the only place I can go to now is my heavenly father. Sometimes its on my knees in prayers and all I can do is call out, da da da. I know he will know what to do , I know he will be able to bring the remedy I so desperately need. So I cry out and I have to believe he heals, smiles, and welcomes my neediness. I have never seen my brother reject Norah’s cries instead he comforts her and God will do the same but only after I cry out. He waits patiently for me to exhaust all my other options and then like I always do I come to him and cry out, da da da and he is always there.
We want so desperately for it to be true, the verses we read describing God’s love. A love we can’t wrap our hands around, one that is unable to be lost. Even if we can’t feel the depths of the statement we hope with everything in us that someone around us could love us despite our many faults, because its never been done. Every love anyone has ever known has been shattered by human frailty so we doubt that there is a power greater than our mis-shapes. We can try to fight it and we can spit in its face, hammer nails through its limbs, rip flesh from its back, crown it with thorns, all the while mocking its name and the love grows deeper as the pain gets stronger. You can’t run from the deep everlasting love of a savior who takes your shame and pronounces you dearly loved. How we wonder? So the words strike at the core because we were meant to be loved that much. He came and died so we would have something to look on and say that I am loved that much. Crown him with pain; he will still hang for you. Nail him to wood and the son of God will beg forgiveness on your behalf. You may not have been there on that hill that day and you may not have held the hammer but time and time again we have poured salt on the wounds when we say your love isn’t enough. The words stick is because they are unattainable. We done deserve a love that travels to the depths of forever but God says differently. He forever holds you in his hands never to fall because you are the beloved and you are to be loved.
loading
