Well guys it’s May. Yes, it’s May. Somehow April passed, my daughter is almost 5 months old (I know you were really wondering), long awaited family vacation is this month, I am no longer allergic to the air so that’s a plus, and I am two months away from book release day.
My head and heart is swirling as I stare at the books on the shelf. It was about three years ago that I started this, 3 years ago that I felt God calling me to write my story. I remember hearing it and thinking, “really mine, but it’s so broken” his firm response was “exactly”. As so it began. I was unemployed living in Houston with my new husband and having a horrible attitude about the whole thing. My family was in Atlanta my friends were in Atlanta and, Houston was similar to western novels I had seen minus the nature. So I spent hours every day at Starbucks writing down my story and fighting off mosquito’s that were the size of a quarter.
I got to a lot of parts and thought, I mean no one will ever read this so I can include that. So I did. I think if I had known that it would end up published I might have been a little less honest. I might have left out some things, not because God wanted me to leave it out but because my pride wanted me to leave it out. I mean my Mimaw is going to read this (that’s my grandmother for you non southerners) and my in-laws and even though they are amazingly supportive I’d like to maintain a shred of dignity in this process. Not really my call though.
I’ll be honest I’ve spent the past year in some sense of dread wondering what the Christian community will think of me, my writing, and my not so squeaky clean past. I’ve wondered what my daughter will think when she gets old enough to read this. So many questions but I have to take them back to the one who asked me to do this in the first place.
Whenever I seem to ask he reminds me of people who have made huge impact on me, and I remember their willingness to be broken in front me. The thing is we are all broken and we all rebel from God and not talking about doesn’t change that truth. So I talked about it… all of it. I filled 240 pages revealing my deep and real need for a Savior.
But why??? Great question, because vulnerability and honesty change everything. Maybe if I come off my high horse (that by the way isn’t real) and admit that I’m no better than the next person maybe we can both meet on some kind of level ground and really get to know God in all his splendor, no masks attached. Maybe if teenagers can see some shred of hope in my broken story that was very much redeemed by a very real God then maybe just maybe he will reveal himself to them as well. I could be wrong and you could very much disagree but here’s the thing, living in obedience to the one who has called me to him is worth the risk… every time. It’s worth the possibility of criticism and misunderstanding because after living most of my life caring about popularity and what other people thought of me (hence the title) I can tell you a life with God is freedom in every sense of the word. Sure I’m scared and worried and some days I shudder thinking about how much I’m putting out there but then I talk to a girl who can relate and God reminds me “this is why”. Worth it. Everytime.
**Book is available for pre-order from amazon but won’t be released until July