Tindell Baldwin »

I’m just a girl. A girl who made a lot of mistakes. I’m just a girl with a normal story who made a lot of mistakes. I’m just a girl who loved a boy and had sex and then got her heart broken. I’m just a girl who turned to drinking to heal my broken heart, only to find the bottom of a bottle and an empty heart. I’m just a girl who turned to drugs to numb the pain, only to find that the high faded and the pain remained.

I’m just a girl who started searching. Looking for something that could heal all my broken pieces. I looked in my friends, and found comfort but not healing. I looked in family, and I found love but not healing. Then I looked in grace, in the loving arms of a Savior, and I found healing.

He found me broken, humbled, and licking my wounds created from years of sin. He found me in a desperate place, running to anything that promised gratification. He found me crying out for help.

Aren’t we all the same? We all have a story. We are all looking for someone to take our hurt, heal our pain, or give us joy. We are all searching for something that gives us hope that this isn’t all there is.

So what’s your story? What are you running from, and where are you running to? When will you accept the grace that is so freely given?

I got the final copy of my book in last night. It was an exciting thing to see all the kinks worked out and realize this is actually going to become something. I felt a lot of things at the moment but one that stood out was utter fear. The first line in my book after the dedication states,  “I’m gonna give all my secrets away” and I mean every word. I air all of my dirty laundry for my readers to see but why? Why do I dredge up the past, one filled with a lot of unpleasant memories, why do I tell my story without hesitation and there is only one reason.

Because I wish someone had told me.

Because I wish someone would have been honest about sex, drugs, and alcohol. I wish someone had told me their story with none of the gory details left out. I wish someone would have showed me the true side of sin instead of letting me believe what MTV had to say. I wish someone had told me the truth about my Savior instead of finding him in my darkest moment.  Don’t get me wrong my parents did their best but  i’d like to think I would have changed my mind on a few decisions if i had heard a story like mine.  I’d like to think I would have had a prettier past but I don’t.

However, lots of girls have the chance to live differently and its my honest opinion that unless we start being real about what they are facing then we will never get through to them. Unless we talk about the real side of sin they will never want a Savior. If teens think that life is really like Katy Perry’s song “Last Friday Night” they are in for a rude awakening. There is much more to Friday night than getting drunk and having sex but how will they ever know if they don’t hear the truth about getting drunk and having sex.

One of the things my editor said to me at the end of this process is that I will face adversity in the midst of getting this book published but i’m OK with that. I’m OK telling every side of my story if a few lives get saved. I’m OK being real because in the end the glory will be to God and that is all that matters.

This morning my bible study was on the blood of Christ. It’s a sticky subject, one that brings up a lot of squeamish feelings yet this blood we  so often wash off is what saved our life. The blood that washed away my shame and sin is the same blood I forget to drink in daily. Now i’m not going all twilight on you just follow me for a minute. Jesus shed his blood so you could have a second chance at life. He did this gruesome thing so you could live a life filled with his blood, so you don’t have to live a life of empty sin. So often though we reject it, we forget the price paid and the blood he spilled and we fill our lives with the emptiness of sin. We drink in temptation, addiction, lust, anger, greed, and so many other unpleasant things but when he offers his blood to wash us clean we turn our heads in disgust. Essentially we reject our father.

What hit me the most though was the question posed at the end of my study. Its a simple one really but it hurt me to the core.  Here it is

“Have you ever considered the massive rejection God set himself up for when he created us? What does this stir in your heart?”

All I could think of was my little nephew, Isaac. He went through a stage where he wanted anyone but his sweet mommy. It didn’t matter what she did he would always chose his daddy over her. Its a common thing for little boys but it hurt my sister in law to the core. He was rejecting her love. It hurt even more because Kerri labored to bring Isaac into this world. She spent months in pain, hours in contractions, all to bring this beautiful child to the world only to have him choose another’s arms over hers. It hurt to say the least. In time though the stage passed and Isaac happily chooses his mother over me any day of the week.

What a picture though, its what we do so often to our loving father. He holds out his nail pierced hands to welcome us in and we run the other way. We run to so many things that will never satisfy. We run to others, alcohol, relationships, so many things that will never love us. We reject the God who gave it all so that we could have life and for what? We run away thinking something else might love us, fill us, and satisfy us.  Yet unlike any human he doesn’t turn away hurt. He doesn”t close his arms and turn the other way he leaves his arms open. He waits, knowing one day you will realize that the arms you ran away from are the ones that can save your life. The blood you rejected is what will wash you clean.

(Bible study is Tammie Head’s Duty or Delight)

The Israelite’s lived in the desert, David lived in the wilderness, and I live in Texas. God doesn’t like to deliver us us to our promise land right away. He likes to challenge you, grow you, and ultimately make you depend on him. His process is slow but thorough and in the midst of your desert he is teaching you. He is teaching you dependence, gratitude, and ultimately he is teaching you that his is forever faithful.

Maybe its not where you live but what you are going through. Maybe its a lost child, a sick parent, or a hurting friend. Maybe though your living your own personal desert. Maybe God seems far away, unreachable, and uncaring.

The process is hard. The journey is grueling. The days are lonely and the tears flow freely but he never leaves, and he always delivers you. Sometimes in small ways but once you have learned his ultimate lesson of faithfulness he can deliver you to your promise land. Yours may not be a place. Maybe you are like my mom and need healing. Maybe you are like my dad and need hope. Maybe you are like me and need deliverance. I don’t know what you need but your journey is not in vain. Your promise land isn’t too far and your suffering has a purpose. The answer is simple, you need a savior.

Our savior weeps when you weep. Laughs when you laugh and smiles in your joy but he wants you to find your joy in the right thing. He wants you to know peace in him not in things, not in family, not in having a perfect life. He wants your daily needs to be met in his perfect power.

Don’t be deceived your promise land is not the answer.  My moms healing will not bring her joy. Your prodigal coming home will not complete your life. My move back home will not make me happy.

There is only one answer to the deep seated question, what is your promise land?

He feels your pain, knows your journey, hears you cries, and he never leaves. He wants to teach you something, will you be like me and go kicking and screaming or will you surrender your pain to the one who holds the answer. Will you surrender your marriage? Your children? Your friends? Your hurt? Your health? Your addictions?

What will you give to reach the real promise land and what will be your promise land?

I’m not Dave Ramsey, I just want to say that up front because the topic I am about to attempt to cover is probably the topic I suck the most at, money. To me its boring, I like spending it not saving it, and my husband literally shudders when I come home with bags. All that to say God has had to work on me with money. Now that we are attempting to move and buy a house, all the sudden my hands went from open to closed. I now hold onto my money with a tightness that makes the jaws of life look like kittens play. So its fitting that the moment we decided that buying a house was the next step, I was due for a dentist apt. I went it knowing I had at least three cavities but I walked out with a total of 19 and 2 root canals. Let me go ahead and tell you that on my list of fears the dentist might as well be a serial killer. They come at me with those long pointed tools and I literally want to chop their hands off with a large knife. So when they told me that I had to be in the dentist chair for a total of 8 hours worth of dental work and over twenty shots I reacted like all twenty four year olds do, I cried like a baby right there in the chair. All that to say dental insurance is the closest thing to fraud I have ever dealt with and when the bills started pouring in my faith started pouring out. Don’t get me wrong I know all the money verses and before I got married I was as free with my money as I could be. If someone was in need I gave money away but I also had nothing in the form of a savings account. So now I have exceeded my faith limit and my credit card limit and i’m left alone with my savior. I can almost hear him say, “how trivial” but he’s a loving God who listens to my crazy fears so I know he is patiently letting me pour out my heart.

So today in the midst of money crisis I decided I have a few questions to answer. I think they work in most moments of crisis.

1. What does my faith lie in?

Does it lie in my money or in my God of provision?

2. Do I trust him with my future?

Right now if i’m raw and  honest I would have to say no. I want to grasp the future in my own hands and steer it in my direction but i’ve done that and it didn’t turn out very well.

3. Do I know who the bible says God is.

If you dont I challenge you to read Psalms 145 cause it rocked my world. God is compassionate to those he has made, he is close to the downtrodden, he carries the burden of the overloaded, he loves deeply, gives freely, and is overwhelmingly trust worthy.

Here’s the deal, if you don’t know who the bible says God is then satan will create a God that is false. He will create a God in your mind that needs your acts to succeed, one who wants to see you fail, one that’s love depends on your bible reading. If your God is based on acts rather than Love then  you don’t know who the bible says God is. Go read. Find out what you are missing out on.

My prayer for you is that you will make the hard choice and trust God in your crisis. Maybe its not 19 cavities but I know its something God can handle.

We all have our Houston’s, as my dad so wisely told me a few hours ago. We all have things we wish God would change. My dad likes to call them our non negotiable, the things in life we won’t live with out. My non negotioables are that I will not stay in Houston forever and I will live near my family. It’s selfish but if I am being honest with you (and I won’t stop now) then thats the honest truth. When I pray this is my filter, everything is through the lens of what will get me back to Atlanta and my family as soon as possible. I don’t pray grand prayers about changing the world, maybe in my best moments i do, but in my real prayer life I pray selfish things that God has heard me say a million times.

This doesn’t just say a lot about me, this says a lot about who I believe him to be. If I really consider to who I was praying for before I spit out my list of needs would I stop? If I really imagined a throne room full of angels and jesus at the right hand of God would I let me whiny voice interrupt the angels for the something as minuscule as where I live according to google maps. If I really consider that the being I am about to beg to get me out of this town is the same being who created the town then would I stop my sentences. Wish I could say that I would. Sadly my Jesus has become very small, he has existed for me and up until recently that was going pretty well for me. Then I was faced with a choice, do I continue to keep my jesus small along with my faith or do I surrender my tiny Jesus for the real much grander one.  I can tell you which one I hope I choose. I hope I choose the second one because as much as I don’t feel it right now a life with God is worth it, no matter the sacrifices. A life of glorifying God is better than any brick home in Atlanta. A life of surrender to God brings peace and getting to a place of peace is hard but it is always completely worth it.

So tonight, I am giving up my non negotiables and telling God the one things I should have told him when I first moved here, Your will be done. My prayer is that I mean what I say.

So I have to ask, How big is your Jesus? Is he pocket sized and only comes out to play when problems arise or is he grand, sitting at the right hand of God. Does he call on you to do his will or do you call on him when you need a parking spot. Do you fall to your face before his great glory or do you pray my will be done? Andy Stanley always said, the size of your prayers reveals the size of your God.

Ben and I got in an argument the other night. It was on our way home from seeing our new favorite guitarist at a little pub by our house. We were talking about our current situation (moving/not moving to Atlanta) and my obsessiveness with the idea that life should be easy when I blurted out something I didn’t even know I believed, God isn’t faithful. My current hard time had turned my truth into a lie and I didn’t even see it coming. Ben lovingly told me that God is faithful and that to believe otherwise is a lie. The foundation of Christianity is based upon the idea that God is faithful and for a moment I wondered what I had begun to believe.

Instead of letting my trial turn me towards God I had let it turn me against him and desperate for someone to blame I blamed it on him. I stopped seeing God as my confidant and starting seeing him as the enemy which is exactly what Satan wants.

The truth that I had so quickly forgotten is that God is faithful in hard times but he doesn’t do things in our timing. I want to move to back to Atlanta 6 months ago but here I am in Houston and God keeps whispering to me “there is a reason”. I’m sure he has one but its hard to see past the grief. This is what hard times do to us, they push us to challenge what we believe. Do you really believe that God is faithful in your hard time or is he only faithful when things are going your way? This morning I was listening to one of my favorite bands, United Pursuit Band, and this song reminded what I should be doing instead of whining.

“Even now heres my heart God.

It seems like all you do is stay hidden, sometimes I’m made to wonder if you’re working at all.

Even in the darkness I am listening for your still small voice.

Even now heres my heart God. I’m in love. I’m in love.”

So the question begs to be answered how will you respond in the hard times, will you proclaim your love to your savior who hung on a cross for a chance to know you or will you be like me and  spit in his face? I can promise you I wasn’t singing that song until this morning when I finally realized what a child I had been. It’s hard. It’s hard to remember what a faithful God we serve when he seems a million miles away. Its hard to remember God is faithful when you are facing death, divorce, illness, and pain. Its hard to remember that God loves you when all you feel is betrayed. But, our hard times don’t change who God is. God is faithful, all the time.