Ben and I got to spend almost six days away together for our anniversary at the end of the summer. It was magical. I wish I could say it was hard to be away for that long, but our kids were in the very capable and gracious hands of grandparents and it was a long hot summer. It helps that when we talked to them they were always on some grand adventure or having fun with said grandparents. I have made a vow to be this amazing for my own kids one day when they have kids.
Then Sunday as we drove home real life started to settle in. The real life of schedules and issues. The real life of exhaustion and work. The real life of doctors visits for toe walking and heart issues of wanting more and nightmares that seem to never end. Real life is just exhausting. It doesn’t help that I am super pregnant and realizing that we will in fact have another person to add to the mix in mere weeks. (spoiler alert we added that little man 10 days ago and he’s just the sweetest)
The real issue is that at my core I pride myself on being capable, self sufficient, and willing for most challenges. However in the past few months I have found myself feeling like a crappy everything. A crappy writer for not sitting down and writing more. A crappy parent for loosing my patience at all of my little peoples little problems. A crappy spouse for being frustrated that work never seems to end when I want it to. A crappy neighbor for forgetting to bring the new neighbors something baked and her ending up on my door to introduce herself (although when my very pregnant self was making introductions and children kept appearing from out of no where she seemed all too understanding). A crappy friend for feeling unavailable and emotionally disconnected. Through tears I told ben I just don’t feel like I can do anything well. This is not a tirade for pity but a good dose of reality that some seasons leave us anything but capable.
I am not in a capable season, I am in a dependent one. One where I depend on help from loved ones, one where I depend on the prayers of good friends, and the grace of Jesus on a minute by minute basis. There are plenty of days when I am capable (and the enneagram 3 in me would love nothing more than to look like I have it together all the time) but the Jesus in me knows my weakness is an invitation to growth and depth. My weakness is an invitation to others to need as well. It drops the veil on the social media lie that my life is always buttoned up. I think along the way we have started to believe that to be a good christian meant to always look like we are doing good. I’m not sure when self sufficiency became a hallmark of Christianity but dependency was always the invitation.
Come to me all who are weary… (Matthew 11:28)
Trust in me….(Proverbs 3:5)
Lean on me… (Proverbs 3:6)
Find refuge in me… (psalm 71:7)
Come and find rest in me…. (Matthew 11:29)
Gods invitation through Jesus was completely clear, I’m here for you. Life will not work without me so I’m sending my son to do what you can’t do, to save you from yourself. Whether life is going exactly as planned or life is crumbling beneath you the message is the same from God, I offer you life and life in the full. So my three year old can loose her mind because I won’t give her candy at 9am and my five year old can tell me I’m mean and we can forget every permission slip I was supposed to send to school and the truth is the same, I need Jesus when I have it together and when I dont. I need him because well because I’m human So my need doesn’t make me a failure it makes me grateful, that God knew and he saw fit to provide a way.
