amazon matcha green tea powder

Tindell Baldwin »

One more period to go. I keep reminding myself of that every time I have to remind the kids that there is no talking during a test. I am lucky they had a test today, I wasn’t in the mood to raise my voice. I hate raising my voice. Silence has become a big part of my life, it helps me think and with middle schoolers I have a lot to think about.

The oddball in the class asked me to call her inker and the other kids snickered. I could tell she beat to the march of her own drum when she asked me if she could read me a exert from her dragon book. I can only assume her new name is a character from her sci-fi fantasy novel. She was the first to finish her test, probably off the charts smart. Her tie-dye dragon t-shirt hangs over faded jeans and when she looks at me it’s almost as if she doesn’t see me.
There is one in every class, the kid that all the other kids laugh a, the odd ball or the social misfit. They never seem to care though, its almost as if they don’t notice. Sometimes I get the feeling the only reason the other kids make fun of them is because they are jealous that they get to be their own person. I wonder who its harder to be the misfit who has their own identity or just another face in the crowd. You have to loose so much to be part of the in crowd, your identity, your values, and anything else that is deemed “uncool”. However to be a loner you need nothing more than your self. To be a loner you are held to no ones standards but your own comforted that after the teenage years fade away you will be left with something solid, yourself. I bet the misfit learned early how much family means and the value of one good friend. I have a feeling inker understands more of herself at 14 than I do at 23.
I wished I had the courage to stand apart from the crowd. I wished I had the courage to chance loneliness to keep my values. Why is it that the fear of the unknown will keep us from almost anything. I thought being uncool would kill me but six years down the road I realize it doesn’t really matter. The crowd I was dying to get into has long since faded and in its place are the relationships I tried the hardest to leave behind. If only I had the courage to be different. I might not have as many good storied but i’d have a lot less scars.
After class I let her read me an exert from her book, she put on her best Shakespeare accent and read me a few paragraphs. I have no idea what she said but I told her she was an excellent reader. She smiled proudly, she already knew. She told me she read at a twelfth grader level at the age of fourteen. If nothing more she was honest. What i wouldn’t give to have that kind of confidence in myself. I came home from work, ridden with PMS, and lost myself in a few good shows. For a moment I wanted to be inker.
Write a Comment


I have always had a thing for small animals. My poor mother had to deal so many different types of pets we lost count. When I was ten my brother, the salesman that he is, convinced my mom that getting two rats was a good idea. When I was in middle school I caught a snake and made it my pet which then got loose in the house and was never found again, luckily we moved. I saved a baby bunny when I was eight after my cat caught it and cried for a week when it died because I forgot to put a lamp on it. Pretty much any animal you could buy at a pet store or find in the Georgia woods made it to our house. Maybe its the mother in me but something about animals has always connected me to God, not a creepy holistic way but rather reminding me how intricate God is. Perhaps one of the most spiritual experiences I had was a safari in Africa, watching lions and giraffes wander thought the tall grass made me experience God is ways I can’t fully communicate. Something about nature points me to God.

I recently found a duck pond near our house that is a “breeding ground for ducks” and when you live in a new city, have a part time job, and no kids you tend to spend your days doing whatever passes the time. The first time I went I feel in love with the baby ducks, there were tons of them just following their mother around the pond. They were tiny and fuzzy and I went back day after day just to watch them swim around. (if you are thinking i need a hobby well I totally agree) Anyway one night Ben and I went to feed the ducks before we went out to dinner. The sun was setting and all of the ducks were up on the bank. I didn’t see any of the babies but when I looked closer I saw little feet sticking out from under the mother. When the mom moved to get the food little baby ducks came waddling out. Then it clicked.
one of my favorite Psalms 57

1.Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
2.I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.
3.He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me;
God sends his love and his faithfulness.

Baby ducks are defenseless, their only protection is their mom. There are days when I feel the same way, the world beats me up and the only place I have to run is to my savior. He opens his wings of grace and I can rest safely in his arms. I can rest assured that I am protected, it doesn’t mean the world isn’t evil and it doesn’t mean life won’t disappoint but it does mean I have somewhere to go where my safety is assured. I can run to my father and hide safely in his wings. I never understood why david used wings in this passage, I have a vivid imagination and for some reason the image of God with wings was a little too cartoon-angel for me but then I remembered the cross, arms wide as if he was telling the world to come to him. His grace pouring down from his body washing this filthy world. I can see it now, arms open wide, a refuge from the storm, the only place I can run for protection.
Write a Comment

Every day this time of year I stumble over the right words to say. I don’t feel there are enough words to use to describe my thankfulness to my mother (now two mothers). I am a better woman because of my mother and my husband is a better husband because of his mother. I can’t thank my mom enough for taking the time to raise me, to love me despite my rebellious tendencies, and to put up with me when the hormones really kicked in. I can’t thank her enough for holding my hand through doctors visits or being the shoulder to cry on when I had a broken heart. There aren’t enough adjectives to describe her thoughtfulness, laughter, and unrelenting optimism. There isn’t a gift greater than the security of a loving mother and more importantly parents who loved each other.

I have realized my childhood is unique which is sad because I come from a traditional family. I have two parents three brothers and the american dream. My mom stayed home and took care of the kids and the house and my dad went off to work. We vacationed at the beach and have countless memories on Flordias sandy shores. We are on paper normal but in today’s society we are weird. It’s weird to have a deep relationship with your family. It’s weird to have a family so grounded in faith and it’s weird to have two parents who are madly in love. For that I am thankful. I am grateful today for my weird family, for a mom who wouldn’t accept the standard and who strived to make us closer. I am thankful she knew when to say no and when to let us have puppies and kittens. I am thankful she cared enough to fight for our relationship and thankful that she is blessed. I am thankful she put God in the middle and didn’t mind putting herself last. I am thankful she gets to see the product of her hands in our marriages and our families. For so many reasons I am thankful.
Write a Comment

Let’s take a look back into how God defines love because I think most girls have bought the lie of “Maybe it is love, as much as it can be”. God defines love very clearly so that we aren’t left questioning whether it’s love or not. I have a feeling that if you are guessing then it’s not. I know you have heard this before but read it like God is talking to you, he has sat down with you at Starbucks and is wondering how your relationship is going. You tell him things are OK but your pretty sure it’s love. So he takes a long sip of his Latte and ask you…

“Is he patient? Is he kind? Does he ever loose heart? Does he give up? Does he get jealous easily? Is he too proud? Does he brag about things that don’t matter? Does he get angry easily? Is he rude? Does he seek truth? Does he protect you? Does he trust you? Does he preserve through hard times? Does he remain at your side when life gets tough? Does he put you first? Does he forget the wrong?”

You think for awhile and realize… he doesn’t do most of that. At least not when it doesn’t benefit him. I know what your thinking because I thought it too, i’m not worth all that. Oh but you are, God, the king of the universe says these are your standards for love and he can say them because he does all of them for you. There are men out there who are God seeking men who love like God loves you. You must wait for them. This verse in corinthians goes on to say

“10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

You don’t need a boy, you need a God fearing man. I know this will take time and you will have to wait but I can promise you it is worth it. I used to believe my brothers and my dad were the only God fearing men on this earth. I believed I would never find anyone as wonderful as them. I watched how they loved their girlfriends and then wives and I was jealous. I figured I would never find a man who could love me like that. They opened the doors for them, doted on them, respected them, took them on dates, and always always placed God in the center of their relationship. I knew in high school I would never find a boy like that because I wasn’t being the woman these kind of men go for but I prayed one day I’d have the strength to be a God fearing woman, the kind God fearing men look for.
Then I met Ben. He was everything and more I had prayed for, looked for, and heard about. He met every character quality on that list but I only met him after I became God’s image of love. I met him after I loved God so deeply I became like him. Let me promise you that our love is not perfect but it’s as close as you get. We still fail each other but we have a standard that our love lives by.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

You deserve this. You were made for this. God wants you to know that he deeply desires for you to have this but if we are putting a standard on our men then we must also put it on our selves so ask yourself this.

Are you patient? Are you kind? Do you get jealous? Do you boast? Are you rude? Do you put yourself first? Do you keep a record of wrongs? Do you delight others hurting? Do you love truth and pursue it? Do you protect love? Do you trust? Do you hope in love? Do you persevere no matter the cost?

God did. He did all those things for you so that you would have the ultimate example of love because you deserve that kind of love. Don’t trade the imitation for the real thing. Don’t be penny lane and don’t buy the lie that maybe it is love. If you are wondering if it is then it’s not. I can promise you that when you have the real thing you know it is. When Ben and I feel in love it was better than any chick flick I have ever seen and it still is.

Write a Comment

  • Lauren Greene - i always love looking at that verse that way 🙂 this past sunday i was listening to a sermon and they said, "if you feel like you need to fix them, keep looking". your never going to fix someone, thats God's job, so let it be and keep waiting for someone that God has already "fixed" for you! except not for you cause you got that already haha, so it was just encouraging for me ha.ReplyCancel

I have taken a hiatus from writing to carefully consider where to go with this blog. I want to be real, gut wrenching honest, but something keeps holding me back. Something keeps telling me that revealing too much of myself will end badly. I want to change that about church, the idea that we have to put on a perfect face and pretend like we don’t struggle. The truth is the Christian life is hard and standing up for something many times means standing alone. I am OK with standing alone as long as I can be me. After a conversation this weekend with my aunt I realized that the audience I want to aim this blog at struggles with much deeper issues then giving grace, they are in the midst of life changing decisions and to avoid that would be doing what I have promised myself I wouldn’t do. So even if things get sticky I will keep sharing my story unashamed because its worth standing alone.


FIFTY BUCKS AND A CASE OF BEER


One of my favorite movies is Almost famous, it’s a true story of a journalist who goes on the road with a rock and roll band and falls in love with the “band aid” Penny Lane. Penny lane loves the lead guitarist who has a girlfriend. She goes on the tour with them and lives in the fantasy that the tour will never come to a close and more than that she believes Russell loves her. Meanwhile the journalist, William, the good guy is falling for Penny. The tour is coming to a close and they are about to go to New York where Russell’s girlfriend will be meeting them, he is gambling with another band and he wagers Penny lane, 50$, and case of beer. William is watching and leaves broken hearted. He goes to talk to Penny who is trying to convince William that Russell loves her.

Penny Lane: Maybe it is love, as much as it can be, for somebody…

William Miller: Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer! I was there! I was there!… Look- I’m sorry.

Penny Lane: [sniffs] What kind of beer?

The first time I watched this I realized we have all been some form of penny lane or at least I have. Most girls have bought the lie and ended up in tears wondering why he traded her for something else. Most girls have fooled themselves into believing that sex is the basis for a lasting relationship. Penny was fooled into believing he loved her, that he would fight for her. I’m sure he said the right things, made her feel the right way, and so she gave in with the hopes that something greater would come out of it.

Penny lane was a real girl, someone who feel in love and fooled herself into believing that when push came to shove he would pay the price for her but she had already given herself for much less. She wanted love so she traded it for the imitation and when a better offer came along he traded her. Walking away is a lot easier than staying, staying requires hard work and sacrifices and walking away requires nothing more than somewhere to go. We never know what Russell said to Penny behind closed doors but I bet it’s not much different than what most girls are told. Words are cheap but commitment is hard work. You are worth more than fifty bucks and a case of beer. You deserve love that is safe, one that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth in this world.

What are you trading your love for? What have you fooled yourself into believing? Do you think he loves you but your heart feels insecure? Is he asking things of you that feel cheap and leave your empty? I don’t care what life has told you in the past you are worth more than fifty bucks and a case of beer.

Write a Comment

There will be times in your faith that you come back to the painful conclusion that you are human. No matter how much time I spend with the Lord I can’t shed my humanity. There are things to remind us of this everyday, a slip of the tongue and your back to your old ways. This is why it is so important not to put your faith in humanity. Religious leaders will fall, parents will disappoint, and friends will leave but Christ will never fail you. This might sound trite but anyone who has placed their faith elsewhere has left church broken and abandoned. We cannot trust in humanity because it is fragile.

When I landed in Atlanta I heard another sad story of failed humanity and I have a feeling it will affect a large number of believers. We can’t run from our nature and we can’t deny that we are sinners, the minute we do we will find ourselves in a puddle of sin with no where to run. God created us to depend on him and in that dependence we become like him but still human. Even the greatest believer has fallen to temptation and if you think you are immune get ready to fall. We are all broken and needing a Savior, no one can escape that fact. There are too many disappointed believers wondering how the church could fail them. Humans fail, a fact we often forget. Grace is God’s standard, for one and all. He gives grace to us so we should give grace to the fallen. Give grace when you want to judge and grace when you disagree with how people behave. Give grace and we can all become a little more Christlike.
Write a Comment

I am 794 miles away from home but somehow it all feels so familiar, the lockers, the overwhelming smell of vanilla and Abercrombie, the confusing layout, the kids rushing to class, the couple in the corner making out. I walk the halls and breathe a sigh of remembrance. The bell brings me back to the here and now and I have no idea where room 2070 is. Finally I stumble into the classroom and twenty sets of eyes look at me. I few of them look confused; I am obviously not their teacher. I tell them that today I am their substitute. A few more confused looks and then one brave girl in the back asks,

“how old are you”

“23” I say looking down at my instructions, they have a test today.

“you look like your eighteen” one of the pretty girls in the front says. I glance up and see the familiar faces. It might have been six years since I was in high school but not much has changed, there is still the loner in the back wearing all black trying to blend in with darkness, the oversized scary boy who wants me to know I don’t have authority, the peppy cheerleader that smiles even when nothing is happening, the angry girl who probably dates scary boy in row three, the athletes who swish their hair to the side trying desperately not to care and the rest, the average kids that get lost in between categories. I know they won’t take their test until I go through the normal ritual of questions so I let them ask. No I didn’t go to school here and yes I am old enough to teach. Yes I am super tall and no you may not stand next to me to see if you are taller. No I didn’t play basketball and yes I am married. At this point I can normally get them on task when the brave girl in the back says something I don’t expect.

“Tell us your life story”

I look up; twenty sets of eyes look back. Only forty five minutes left in class I wish I could tell them my life story.

I would tell the popular girls to be nice to because later in life they will realize they aren’t all that and a bag of chips. I would tell the pretty girls that looks aren’t all they have. I would tell the kids in black that this is just a phase and the real world isn’t quite so harsh. I would tell the tough girls that getting hurt is part of the process. I would tell the pretty boy with the hair swish that there will be a million of him wherever he goes next and the only thing that makes you stand out is your character. I would tell the girls trying desperately to fit in that one day it won’t be so hard. I would tell the in-betweeners that one day they will have their place in this world. Mostly I would tell them their is a Jesus who loves them and can bring relief. There are so many things I would like to tell this class but for now they have to take a test.

Write a Comment

Sometime at 1:00 am

Its 1:00 am in in usual me fashion I cannot sleep, instead of being tired I am inspired. I’ve always had problems with sleeping ever since I can remember, which sounds like a really old person thing to say but twenty three years is along time not to sleep. I used to leave all of my lights on and lay in bed with my eyes open to take the pressure off actually sleeping, i was convinced that the stress of trying to sleep is what made me stay awake. The strategy never worked, and neither did my moms attempts to poison me with a green herbal drink that tasted like grass. So here I am a decade later and no closer to solving my insomnia. Its weird what thoughts come to me when most of the world is asleep. I am semi convinced it is simply that God is busy during the day and I got chosen as one of the “lucky ones” he would talk to at night. If this were true though my writing would be much cooler and probably contain life’s great answers. Instead i’m just an insomniac with a pen, blank paper, and now a blog. Lately I’ve been thinking about my view of God and wondering how far off I am. Here’s what I have so far.
1. I think she is beautiful and mysterious and when she smiles it looks like the sun breaking through the clouds.
2. I think she loves me like my grandmother, a whole lot but purely because i’m family. My lack of effort has put a strain on our relationship.
3. He’s a little scary, like my dad when he starts talking about money.
4. She smells like my mom, like lavender and vanilla. (i’d say fresh baked cookies but my mom doesn’t cook)
5. He dresses like Kristian, in Toms and skinny jeans, and when he takes the stage everyone stares in awe
6. He is confident like Taylor, who could sell an old woman in white gloves a ketchup Popsicle (thank you tommy boy)
7. He laughs like my dad and tells jokes like him too, with a volume that could shake the empire state building and with his lips curled waiting for others to join in.
8. He is sensitive like Brett, with the kind of innocence that could make you spill your darkest secrets.
9. He listens like my mom, with thoughtful words and a pure heart.
10. He pursues like Ben, with a heart of Gold and a determination that can tame the wild.
Write a Comment
S u b s c r i b e
S e a r c h
https://ez.plumbing/
https://ez.plumbing/